Monday, April 17, 2017

The Road


Wrote this some time ago when I was a bit effed up. Thought I could post it here and claim 2 posts in a week. "Alpathanam.Thiruthha mudiyathu di. Ungala ellaam thiruthave mudiyathu!"...haha

The Road

This road has been excruciatingly long
I have walked its entire span step after step 
This road has been dark
Getting only darker by the day
I have groped around in its eerie nothingness, fell, got back up and continued on
This road has been lonely
As Lonely as it can get
The Loneliness itself being my only companion
I have hollered , begged and yelled only to be slapped back into its solitary depths

This road seems to lead nowhere
I have explored all of its forks and wandered through the wretched vastness of it all only to find my way back to where I began
This road has been hopeless
Just when I thought I saw a sliver of hope, it was just an illusion
I have struggled and battled in its never ending misery - trying to find a way out again and again
My silent pleas of mercy, calls for help were never heard.
My resources were dwindling - every wee bit of it
I was exhausted. I was ready to let the road take over and then just then , omg - omfucking god - I see light- I see company- I see the end and I see hope.
The road does exist and it is not a figment of my imagination
Yes! The road is true alright.But then so is HOPE.
Keep walking. 

Saturday, April 15, 2017

My Decision to adopt


My blog has been long gone. Forgotten, forsaken and severed from all kinds of communication , It has lain all alone on this tiny uninhabited space in the internet for 8 long years now. I have yearned to come back here and write. I have felt guilty for not getting back. Day after day I have just let it waste away. But then just like a long lost friend who welcomes you back unquestioningly with open arms , I knew it would welcome me back if I got in touch again.  So today I just decided to resuscitate my baby back to life and nurse it back to health with this post. Lets see how it goes. 
 Its not everyday that you decide to write a very personal post. A post where you decide to bare yourself to the judgmental eyes of social media and internet.I wanted to write about my decision to adopt a child and here we go..
 Usually, when I open up to my friends about my (our) decision to adopt a child, people want to know why I am doing this.Some are intrigued, some are curious , some are full of awe and few others are terrified to say the least. Then the incessant questions come gushing out.
“How did you ever come up with this idea ? Wont you be partial to your biological son ? Do you think you can love this child ? What if they want to go back to their birth parents? Can’t you try IVF ? How about surrogacy ? Aren’t you worried about your son and how he would feel about this ? Are you doing this because you want people to think that you are better than others? Maybe you both should go to a counselor (Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!)”.
    Deep down inside , I felt like I had to answer all of these questions. Not for anybody else’s sake. But just for myself. Just to understand my true feelings around this matter. 
   So there are several million orphaned / displaced  children in the world and more than 20 million just in India. It’s unfortunate and heart breaking to think that some children are left to fend for themselves in this world without anyone to guide them through life's mazes. For no fault of theirs and for reasons that they can never fathom , these fragile and vulnerable entities of society are forced to endure a life of suffering. These children will most probably never enjoy the loving touch of a parent, never have a permanent home and never ever have a conventional childhood.
   This world is an unfair place I understand. But a child should be allowed to be a child. The beauty , innocence and purity of children are some of the things that make this wretched world not so wretched. But what could I do about this ? Nothing much. I knew I couldn't solve this.Neither can anyone in this world. But can I be of some use to 1 child out there. Hmm. Yes maybe I thought. So that was it. I decided at that moment that I would one day adopt a child. This was way back when I was in college. Fortunately for me my husband went along with my decision. 
  A child out there needs a family and I want another child. So I am going to go find her and adopt her. Also ,believe me , I am not going to try and do anything extraordinary here.I will just be this regular plain Jane mom whom who come across in the mall or notice walking down the street.At times lazy , messy , mean and sulky even. I will love the child and hopefully the child will love me back.  
 The path to adoption and post adoption is fraught with so many hurdles and disappointments. It is not going to be easy. I am aware of it and ready to face it all. Parenting is never easy anyway. Daunting it is. Terrified I am. But then I am taking a leap of faith. The faith that I have on the resilient abilities of children. The faith that I have on my daughter. The invisible thread that unites us both will reveal itself soon. So my dearest daughter wherever you are right now, just hang in there.I am very much looking forward to meeting you. Will continue to wait for you patiently till I can lap you up in my arms and call you mine. Hopefully that day is not far away.See you soon.

Friday, March 13, 2009

'Scrambled' sentiments from a 'poached' mind...

(Read - as in eggs :D)

Its been three and a half months since I came to this legendary city of Bentonville (legendary?LOL..ofcourse...!! :D) in the 'Natural state' of Arkansas in US. Suddenly, yesterday ,my mind alarm started beeping away, 'ki..ki..ki..buddy..Its late...'ki..ki..ki', you have to write a new post..ki..ki..ki..ki' . All efforts to snooze it , turned out fruitless and the annoyingly loud cacophony set about blaring away incessantly. When the kki...keeing got overboard , I sat up in my bed and decided to switch it off by writing a new post :). So , Here we go..'On your marks get, set... Ki...Ki.. :D'.

For the past week, my roomie had been complaining of severe toothache. Her wisdom teeth had decayed and had to be removed permanently .She was very disquieted and anxious about loosing her teeth and went on cribbing about this. By losing her wisdom teeth,may be she thought she will lose her wisdom altogether??:roll:. But then she dint know that people like me existed. I never had a wisdom teeth in my entire life!! :roll:. Thats probably why I am so 'un-wisdomed' all the time :D. The doctor gave her an appointment for the wisdom-toothectomy about 6 days later. Since she couldnt have solid food in the night, she stopped having dinner and starved every night. So,I asked her to take some rasam rice, grind it in the mixie and take it semi-solid. Maybe she was lazy , she never did anything about it and went on starving. I decided to put an end to this and so, while she was on the phone in her room, I made rasam rice, ground it in the mixie and served it in a bowl like we serve 'payasam'. I garnished it with a slice of tomato,lime,carrot and coriander and placed it in the table with a knife and fork beside :D. Later on in a piece of paper I wrote down,

'Rasam Pudding': yummy dish, especially for 'to-be-wisdom-tooth-challenged' people :D,
left it beside the dish and went on for my work-out session. When I came back, the so called 'pudding' was gone and she had left a note that read : 'Thanks a ton!! I loved it. I must have done it before i guess :)' . It was probably something insignificant but I am sure it brought a smile to her face. It definitely made some difference to her that day. Thats all I wanted.

On the same day, I was sitting in the living room of my apartment and chatting with a few of my college pals. It was about 12:45 in the night and sleep was slowly starting to wash away my senses(I do have a bit of it :D). So, I decided it was enough for the day and was about to log out. Out of the blue, one of my school mates logged in and said hi. Since he was a very close friend of mine I decided to hang on for a few more minutes.He said he was in a hospital in bangalore, outside the operation theatre. He had admitted his wife for a Caesearean operation and was waiting for the much awaited news. None of his relatives were there to help him out and hence he was there all alone outside the OT. Though he told me that he wasnt tensed, I could detect that he was slightly nervous (obviously!!). Since there wasn't anyone around, he had logged in to chat in his iPhone and here was I supporting him from a godforsaken place in the US. Wow...Technology has it owns advantages!! , I thought. My moral support continued for another 20 minutes, during which he gave a running commentary of the people going in and out of the OT. In the end , it was a boy. Both mother and child were healthy and my 'operation support' ended on a happy note :). It was indeed a unique experience for me. Or maybe should I say unforgettable. Yes. That would be the right word.

I have said enough, I think :). BTW, folks, I am happy in bentonville. Its not like I am so dejected and depressed. Just a bit bored. Thats all. Being bored really helped.Dint it? Thats why I could hound you guys with a slightly 'senti' post :).

P.S: I did all the 'suthification' in just one month during december and happened to visit washigton D.C, Los Angeles, Las vegas and san francisco.After a month of tooooooo much of activity, there has been absolutely no activity for the past two months. Maybe thats why I am so bored now :D

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

In the land of topsy-turvy....

When kilometers become miles,
Kilograms become pounds,
gms becomes ounce,
Litres become gallons,
220V becomes 110V,
Switching on becomes switching off,
Left driving becomes right,
Ground floor becomes first floor,
and lots and lots more….
That’s when you realize that you are in the land of topsy-turvy , the land that has stubbornly sworn to baffle the minds of confused people like me. Oh yeah! you got me right folks! I am indeed talking about the United states of America. Although I have been in the US before, each time I come back, every time my head spins in volleys. It does take at least 2-3 weeks for me to get adjusted here. My chaotic and befuddled mind has to remember so many things, be responsible for so many things and get accustomed to the enormous changes without any friends/family around.
It has almost become customary that wherever I go, I always do something weird or funny and end up getting myself embarrassed. I am now just so used to getting embarrassed, I should say.. . Common guys! Don’t laugh at me. Have mercy! That’s how I am made!!. Every time these things seem to happen, an inner voice yells from inside..”Welcome lady…you are in America! ”. I have been here for a week and a half and I have almost heard atleast 100 “welcome lady…” voices now…….lol…:D.
When I landed in the US and reached my hotel, the front desk person , a petite Mexican lady, greeted me warmly and ushered me to the left alley of the hotel and told me in her adorable Spanish-splotched english that I was to occupy the first room on the left in the first floor. I thanked her politely, lunged my heavy luggage cart forward and walked along valiantly. Since, even after walking the entire alley, I couldn’t find an elevator, I turned around and walked back the way and gave the lady a bemused look . She gave me an equally bemused look. Right at that moment, a ‘welcome lady..” voice banged from inside. “oh god!!” I then realized I was already in the first floor(ground floor of our world ). What should I do now?? …well give her a self-conscious smile and get going as though nothing had happened. Hahah :D. ...
Ok...Lets come to the next one.This time I had to re-activate my bank account , coz my previous one had been closed due to inactivity for a long time.I reached the bank by 4:05 PM but unfortunately , the note in the entrance read
“Working Hours – Lobby : 9:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M (4:00 P.M? man!! I wish I worked in a bank in a US)
Drive thru : 9:00 A.M to 5:00 P.M
Obviously,I had to take the drive thru option but then what the hell was it?? (though the name ‘drive thru’ did give some insight, I really dint know what to expect of it). Maintaining a confident exterior, (as usual :D) I asked my cabbie to proceed to the ‘drive thru’. Two bank employees sat inside the bank and faced the customers behind a glass counter. They spoke in a mike so that people outside could hear. We parked at about 50 m away but there seemed to be no mike for me to speak. ‘oh god! Please save me..” , I prayed fervently and went ahead with my query (hoping that these guys would hear me..). In a moment came the reply but then she was asking me for my debit card in order to re-activate it. “but, man!!..There was no opening in the counter “ and more so, we were 50 m away. I was back in square one. My cabbie came to the rescue this time."god bless him.” He picked up a container that was nearby , put my debit card in it , placed it in a stand. As soon as he placed it, “whoosh…….!” It flew away like a rocket and” bang!” , the girl inside got my debit card. She examined it and asked me to come back again when their lobby was open. By this time my inner voice came back again. This time the volume seemed so deafening..lol :D
“So much for a Drive thru!” I muttered to myself and came back home. When I closed my eyes to sleep that night, the voice came back.This time it said, “Good night..sleep tight”. My My…I was relieved and dozed off, lest I encounter something else.

P:S : The mexican lady I was talking about looked like a college kid but she said she was 24.she had a 3 year old kid and was never married before!…wow…..well… "Welcome to America indeed "

Monday, November 3, 2008

What's up next?


It was a rainy night and I sat gazing out of my window, pondering on what to write for my next post. Bent upon muddling up my thought process, a gang of boisterous mosquitoes kept buzzing around me in circles and assaulting my whole body at their own will. It seemed as though that there was an entire annoying family that was synergizing on capitulating my patience.

The notorious family was a stickler of perseverance. One by one , mother, father, son, daughter, granma, granpa, uncle and god knows whoever ,went on to churn out a volley of bites across the entire cross section of my body, and making me go all “Aw..Ouch..eek..oo..ehh”. Trying to concentrate on the task at hand, I ignored them for a while. But then it never seemed to end.After being patient for about 15 minutes,That was it. I decided. The protagonist inside me sprang to life and I decided to teach these annoying creatures a lesson. “uh..oh”, Ironically, they had indeed succeeded in breaching my rock-solid patience(Or was it? ).Jumping up and down ineptly, I started squatting them fervently, with my bare hands one by one. I must have looked like a clumsy kolattam dancer, I guess .

Each mosquito I killed, seemed to heighten my pleasure and the sadist within me started dancing away to glory. Thoughts about the post , took the back seat and gradually started waning away. After ten grueling minutes, I was about to celebrate my silver jubilee mosquito when ”Pop! went the 50th mosquito and Pop! Came an idea for my post!”. “Oh..my..gawd! ha….ah..ahah. I got an idea finally!”, I broke loose like the annoying Janus in Friends. It’s definitely a bizarre case. I decided. How could someone strike up an idea when involved in something as brutally moronic and loony as this? Well, Whatever man! End of the day, an idea is an idea. I got the idea that’s it! ”yipeee..yipeee…whoaaaaaaaa”, I rolled away merrily.

If you people are poking your heads on what great idea I could have got, Let me tell you guys its nothing so great! nothing great at all.But then its an idea anyway. Again…an idea is an idea? Right?…”heheheheh….:):)…hohohho..;-) ”. Before anybody of you can whack me black and blue, let me tell you about it right away.
I am going to do a wild life series with a slight difference. In this, I would be touching upon the lives of quite a few wild species of the world. As customary, In the beginning would be giving basic details such as physical features, habitat, food habits, life span and social structure of the species. But then that’s not it. Since , my highpoint is always fiction, I wanted to experiment a new genre(to me its new) of blending fiction with the facts.

So , in each of these series, I am going to try and Invent a short story based on the species under discussion. The facts would be listed down in the beginning of the story and then the story would follow. I will try to make it as brief as possible. Let me just say that it is going to be 70% fiction and 30% facts.
Before I say bye, Let me leave an obvious clue on what species I would be taking up first.
Clue : Have you guys seen the famous animated movie, Madagascar ?(yes! You guessed it right!)
I would be posting the first one shortly……..:-). Bye till then .

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Karan's useless antics

Tried my hand at a short story…Here we go..
Karan was immensely concentrating on the task at hand. His eyeballs were focused, his fingers were still, body stooped forward and ready to charge. He was all set for the next attempt. His mission was to maneuver his science textbook to spin on a vertical axis, with his index finger as the hub. The first, second and third attempts had been big letdowns, because he couldn’t even balance the book. It kept toppling over and over again. The fourth one seemed ok and the fifth was even better and now he was going strong on the sixth, determined to get it right this time. For a nine year-old kid, his determination and commitment were amazing.
Right since he had visited Ramu Anna’s house during his summer vacation, Karan had got hooked on to this notebook stunt. Ramu, Karan’s cousin was extremely good at ‘sleight of the hand’ kind of tricks. As a matter of fact, his hands never were still and he always kept spinning, swinging or twirling something or the other with both his hands. In one such occasion, Karan had caught him spinning a book with just his index finger. He had done it in ease and in absolute style. ”Wow! That’s so cool. I want to learn it too. It would be really good to show it off to my friends Badri and Sudha. They will simply be aahstruck!”, he thought. At that moment he resolved to learn the knack of the Book spin and show it off to his friends.
Immediately his juvenile mind started reasoning with the target at hand. If he were to learn it, he concluded that he just had two solutions, 1) The quicker way-learn from Ramu Anna 2) Practice and learn all by himself. Out of the two, the first option seemed to hurt his ego(Ego can start from an early age , u know ), so he settled for the second option and decided to practice everyday. Since he was very bad with English, he initially thought he could carry out his practice during his English classes. But then in the end he ruled this out because Ms Treesa, his English teacher, was so very sweet in pite of his poor english scores. Next on his list was science . Although Karan liked biology, the manner in which his teacher Ms. Raheja taught the subject, made most of his classmates to eventually detest the subject. She could make even the most interesting concepts sound so prosaic. To make matters worse, she also happened to be a very stern disciplinarian. And hence, Karan’s next unanimous choice for practice was science class.
His strategy for not getting caught was very simple and ingenious. Every science class he would sit behind big Bubli and perform his book spins. She was so huge that nobody could see past her. Not even the razor-sharp eyes of Ms Raheja. Unfortunately for him, many others in his class were using this novel approach for their own motives and he would be contending with veteran pranksters like, Munna, Arjun, Shiva & Pallavi for the coveted seat. He had to be alert every time. ”God! It will be tough. But then mom said good things will happen to good people.(she had actually meant pupil ) So I have a chance.” , he thought.
All set for the operation, he had been successful in dodging Ms Raheja for the past five days. Five days meant five classes, which was equal to 45 x 5 = 225 minutes of practice. So far so good. But then today had been an unlucky day. At 11:30 A.M, when the science class was about to commence, he went and sat behind Bubli. In about two minutes, Arjun and Shiva came to his seat and demanded him to get up. When Karan refused, together ,both of them knocked him off and occupied their seat.Although Karan felt a sense of revenge rising from beneath, he regained his composure immediately. ”Hey ! Idiots! just wait till you see what I have to show. Just wait for a few more weeks. I will be the hero.”, he resolved. He then moved to another relatively safe position and resumed his practice. He had already completed five attempts and was going strong on the sixth attempt. Just as he picked his textbook for the sixth round, the keen eyes of Ms.Raheja settled on him. He was caught red-handed. “Karan! Karan! This is absolutely atrocious! What are you up to? How can you involve yourself in such useless antics? Are you some kind of a juggler? I thought you were a sensible kid. My god! Its appalling! Now, get out of my class with your pen and notebook. You will listen from outside and answer my questions in the end. Ok? Out you go!”, she berated at the top her voice.
Karan was more surprised and puzzled than angry at what she had said. “Bubli why weren’t you there to save me? Anyways, What did Ms Raheja mean by atrocious, appalling, antics, juggler? How can she remember so many words? She is not even an English teacher. Huh! Whatever. But then she described my book spin activity as useless! How could that be? How can such a fabulous and heroic thing be termed as useless? , Maybe she doesn’t know anything. She is the onw who is atrocious, appalling, antics, juggler. Not me.” he concluded.
For the next half hour he had no alternative but to listen to Ms Atrocious. She was teaching something about Darwin’s theory. ”For any organism in this world, including human beings, three basic things are required to survive in this world. Food, shelter and sleep. Without these nobody can survive. Now I’ll delve deep into one of Darwin’s postulates – ‘survival of the fittest’”, she said. That was the last Karan heard of her. He then drifted into his own world only to be brought back at the sound of the lunch bell. Luckily for him, Ms Raheja forgot all about asking questions and just went her own way.” Probably she was hungry. Good for me.”, he thought.
Later, he goobled down his lunch and dashed to the playground with Badri to play football. Badri was also the same age as Karan but belonged to a different section. So on their way to the ground, Karan started narrating the day’s incidents to him. “Badri, you know what? Ms. Raheja said that without food, shelter and sleep, nobody could exist in this world. But then she is totally wrong. When my father goes inside his study with his laptop, sometimes he never sleeps or eats for 2-3 days. Even if my mom offers him food, he simply yells at her and asks her not to disturb him. Ms. Raheja is not aware even of such simple things. She is atrocious and just fit to teach useless antics. My god! She is so appalling juggler! Don’t you think?” , he blurted.
“Yes Karan. You are right! She is so atrocious and knows nothing”, Badri replied. But then Badri was actually thinking, ”What did he mean by all that? Atrocious, antics…lot more right? Where did he learn so much English? Wow…he is so great”, he thought.Apparently,Karan’s objective to show off in front of Badri had finally materialized. Maybe not for what he had planned.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dont Follow Pied Piper

I asked myself this question, when I was 16 years old (I am still 16 ;-),U know), What do I want to become in Life?
The answers came immediately flowing to me all at once. I wanted to become a biologist, a musician or a writer. This may sound absurd to the reader, because none of the three fields are related. But then these were the things that liked doing, rather enjoyed doing and things in which I knew I would shine. You could either call it the sublime confidence of the youth or whatever but I clearly knew what I wanted. My dream was alive and kicking, clear and intact.

When we move forward by 7 years and peep into my life and see what had happened of me, it turned out to be that I became a software engineer. Not a biologist, not a musician, not a writer. But Why?? Why I am not living my dream? Why I am sitting in front of the monitor and scratching my head, when my entire system is screaming against me to get out from here? Why am I not doing what I was meant to do?

When I tried to answer the unending Why’s that crept up, there were quite a few answers. One of the obvious reasons, of course, was because a software job is lucrative. IT Pays, u know. Many thousands are lured into the IT Maze because of the money tag attached to it. No doubt, IT definitely pays better than many other sectors. When financial liabilities and family commitments loom like a specter ahead of us, any person would obviously choose the lucrative offer, instead of going ahead and following their hearts. It was the same with me I guess. I don't really have an answer. I stepped into this career at the cost of all my dreams. At the cost of myself.

If we think of other situations, there are few others for whom working in an IT Company becomes a social status symbol.Anything less than that is not acceptable. The parents drill this thought into their children right from childhood. Getting into a software firm is made their lifetime ambition and anything other than that is taboo. but why?? I can't answer this you know :-).
Finally, there are people whose dream itself was to get into IT. I guess these people,I should say , are the lucky ones.

So What I am trying to say? I am just about to get into it. Am I saying nobody should get into IT? of course not (after all its my bread and butter). I want to insist on the fact that we should do what we are meant to do. If you don’t know yet, slap your head further and think, one day you’ll know it. Your heart will lead you to it. Once you identify your interest, slowly and steadily get out of your current career to your heart’s yearning. When you are being paid for what you enjoy doing, it could be the best thing that can happen to anybody. The amount of satisfaction and happiness that you derive from it would be incredible and unimaginable.

I know this idea may sound a bit too whimsical and totally unrealistic. Its easier said, Than done. I know. But, then Friends, it is very much do-able. With a little bit of grit and determination it can be done. Set up a timeline for yourselves. Try to do away with all your commitments within that stipulated time. It might take years but then in the end,Get free and get going in the road that you refused to take when you were at the crossroads of your life. Let me quote a dialogue from the scent of a woman, here:

“Now I have come to
the crossroads in my life.
I always knew
what the right path was.
Without exception, I knew,
but I never took it.
You know why ?
It was too damn hard.”

Yes, In the beginning I am sure it would be tough, but in the end, you would find something that you have always coveted for. Even if there are thousand people barring you on your journey, in the end they will know that you were right and they were wrong. Again, I want to quote from a tamil movie song,
“Iruttiniley nee nadakkayile un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagi vidum
Nee matum thaan intha ulagathiley unakku thunai endru therinthirukkum”

Take Care of yourself because nobody else knows you better than you. Just be patient till the time comes and do not do something just because everybody else is doing it.
All the rats followed Pied Piper.
What happened to them in the end?
They all drowned in the Weser river.
The rat race has begun already. If you are one of those rats, Hey! Hey! Wake up to reality! Do you want to drown? Its up to each of us to decide.